I hate Larry. He drives me insane when it comes to super important things. I can't even begin to guess the number of emails, text messages and important questions that have been directed to him that go unanswered. What happens when you corner him and encourage him to play along with everyone else? He usually makes a joke about your sexual preference, length of your hair and/or your reproductive organs and their various locations around your body.
An example of a conversation...
Me: Larry, did you see that final artwork I sent you for that really neat thing we are making?
Larry: Why are you always yelling at me? You must have a vagina.
Me: No, I just need to make sure you're okay with it... I'd hate to print this and have you hate it.
Larry: Yeah, yeah, boobs boobs boobs, you love men.
This is a daily conversation that goes on with this guy. No, really - I can't even begin to make this stuff up. I'm pretty sure he's fucking insane. Once in a while, I'll get a phone call from him, usually between 10:30pm and 12:30am, where he almost has a lucid moment where he stops calling me a homosexual and has important things to tell me. It's almost like there is a daily 2 hour window where Larry's little hamster in his brain stops playing videogames and watching porn to run in the wheel for a little bit.
Shut up, Tim. I'm BUSY!
We've found measures to counteract his actions and words, some to no avail and some have been successful. For example, when we send emails, we can no longer write big, huge wall-of-text emails. We've found out that Larry is either lazy or has the attention span (and possibly reading level) of a 2nd grader. The following email, though edited down, is an actual email sent to the band from me.
Just an update of our plans for this year.
(LARRY - Scroll to the bottom for the edited version.)
[Contents of email]
Larry - Here are the points I made for you to ignore;
2012 > 2011.
Practicing in town once a month.
More shows. Better shows. Cool stage stuff.
Recording new songs - new album this year.
We need more merch.
Physical Marketing ideas.
That's what all of that up there said.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why Larry drives me (and the rest of the band) freaking nuts. Why, you may ask, would it drive us crazy when he will obviously get the same basic information from reading that blurb?
Here is the follow up email he sent me... 2 weeks later.
Yeah yeah whatever,
Eat a dick,
What it has basically come down to is his wonderful wife for sitting down and taking the time out of her days to read all of our emails for him, to remind him about shows, important dates, what time practice is (It's 10. 10:00PM every single Thursday. Why do you need a reminder!?), when he needs to be at the shows... He's nuts. When she doesn't join him for shows, music video shoots, photoshoots, etc... he is late! Hell, we even had to secretly move the practice time! We told him it was at 9:30 for about a month before he realized it was really at 10. Shit, he at least showed up on time for that month!
Do you see what's missing from this kit? A drummer!
Now, honestly, Larry pulls his own weight around the band. He's building us an amazing website, he's helped pitch in to cover costs when the rest of us were broke as hell, he's givin everyone "the talk" before and he's honestly a very good drummer. He did HOLYSHITZOMBIES in ONE FUCKING TAKE. He's the perfect fit for AHTCK and we are super glad to have him. We really do love Larry with all of our distant, hands-off sort of way hearts. This leads us to one very important question (and contest)...
Who wants to guess on how long it will take him to read an entire blog post about himself?
Whoever guesses correctly wins a free copy of The Break Out EP - Zombie Edition!
(available on iTunes... http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-break-out-ep/id420727945)
Thanks to LARRY for this blog post idea!